|Breathe... Trust... Let go... See what happens.|
No matter how confident I am there comes a time that something out of nowhere shatters that glorious bubble of fearlessness. It's like a slow attack to my immune system, seemingly a speck of what had traumatized me once becomes that which leads to the death of me. Undetected the paralyzing bit starts to thrive fiercely consuming rebuilt pieces of myself. I struggle and recover most of the time but the other times I fall hard. Face on the ground, unable to get up, doubtlessly crippled and beaten so badly I surrender after a long antagonizing battle. I am done, I say to myself fully embracing defeat as if there is no other way to overcome this slow death... as if I never conquered the monsters ...
Three days in a row and I keep waking up from a dream that leaves me wondering. The first two mornings I simply shrugged it off. Today, it’s never felt more real and I am called upon to rise up and meet my life. This slow process I have chosen making me despondent and detached is weakening and I feel the ground beneath all my insistence shaking, filling all the cracks with optimism. May all parts of my soul unite so they may ascend together.
There is a dangerous place between love and fear. I don't think anyone deliberately goes there. Most of the time we don't recognize where we are until we find ourselves clawing out of the hole, gasping for air, desperately hoping to go back to that day we should have chosen to give ourselves the love we deserve. Push through the pain and choose you because each passing chance you don't take shackles you to the the ground while the walls slowly close in.
Words often appear to have vanished from someone who used to write. Probable causes sanctimoniously gather in abundance to those who have forgotten that words pour out only when there is truly something worth writing.
Some lives appear beautiful with all the bells and whistles attached. One can't help but wonder what it must be like to have such life. With that view it's naturally easy to think that it must be wholesome and almost perfect. Almost perfect because nothing is ever perfect in life. One can almost taste the exhilaration and exuberance of what seems unattainable for some blurring the image of one's own existence momentarily.
Some lives appear beautiful with all the bells and whistles attached. One can only hope it is truly how it appears for it not, such beauty is nothing if it's all a facade. Some things only appear solid on the outside but deeply hollow inside. No amount of frills and embe...
As the wifi signal fades every now and then disrupting the Healing Sounds playlist in my living room I can now see the certainty of some of my desires. Some days I call it "moving on" and other days "purging". When I am at my weakest I lean towards the idea of change to help me cope. I have always accepted that change meant hope. Although my thoughts are not at powerful as the actions that I need to do, hope holds me back. Like a pendulum I have swung back and forth with what I intend to do, it's not until today that I look at my thoughts materialize. Somehow I feel the same.
My home looks like I am moving in again with all the boxes neatly piled on the side where most ...
Slow Saturday mornings are perfect for gazing at torn pages of reverie now ashes in the fireplace. Dust hug the cold ashes of years gone by. Promises all gone with the love as fleeting as the written words. All that exist is nothing but dust and reverie, like hollow words and delusions of loneliness.
Born of lakes and ponds, rivers, streams and springs, seas and oceans, she floats upstream, downstream, over and under tides and waves. Shapeless and formless, she can make its way through the cracks. The tears that escape her only gives her strength.
You will understand the mystery that I am if you get past the closed doors. They are not walls to protect me but are scars growing thickly over and on top of each other from the wounds trying to heal.
Once an open book, I am no more. On a dusty shelf I rest, pages yellowing over time. Someday, I will be rare and cherished again like I never have before.
Love, daunting as ever is not too far a thought except for the recent past so cumbersome. The merry-go-round of relentless games choke-hold the heart. With every new beginning a promise of hope shines through until such awakening of the same days relived.
Loneliness, a trusted friend stands closeby armed with words of wisdom. Days arrive seemingly new filled with bright tomorrows. Scattered thoughts momentarily provide comfort and delusions of time not owned only borrowed.
Frail and infirmed my heart one day will be subdued. This I know, but for now I hold lovingly my trusted friend today and a few more tomorrows.
Love, daunting as ever... my past I always remember.
I remain different yet the same with every passing day. Strong yet broken in all the places that matter. Held by barely a flake of melting snow I walk this earth asking for mercy.
Different but the same, I embrace the punishment no human has the right to inflict because I live not for myself but those I love who can never love me the same.
I remain different but the same, for the mercy I ask is not for me but for those who have gravely hurt me in hopes that one day I walk this earth held by a thousand melting snowflakes.
Different but the same, my weakness has become my strength.
I never thought I’d outgrow certain things, people and behaviors but here I am awakened by what’s new and strangely unfamiliar. What I felt that I needed then and couldn’t live without now lay on the side of the road. With each step moving forward and with no judgement to what I’ve left behind I continue walking mostly alone, occasionally in the company of others.
In the end, it boils down to a simple thought. What we do to others will be done to us. Choose wisely.
Beware when you play with someone’s heart. You may escape the wrath you enjoy to give. Pray to your god or what higher power you adore that someone won’t do it to your child.
Even the strong slowly crumble and fall apart in the hands of those without a heart.
We look at the place where it all began. Where there was once music and joy, silence has moved in. I hear beneath my feet the fragile remnants of broken glass. The walls look gray thickly painted with pain. There is no sign of life in this space. He is where I cannot go. Unbeknownst to him, he took what keeps me alive... my heart, my life. A lesson learned. The life I give is not mine to keep.
Breathe... this too shall pass. When things are said to you, do not have an emotional reaction. Master the art of calm and restraint so words do not hurt you.
There was a time I fought and conquered dragons and demons for you to feel safe but tonight I pray you find the courage to stay alive so you may one day tell the story of how you bravely fought and conquered bigger and stronger dragons and demons lurking in your pure unsuspecting heart.
The time has come when my eyes can’t stay awake. My mind is drifting, no longer wrapped in fog. My heart heavy not knowing how shallow you may be breathing. You are where I sent you out of love and sorrow. Strength no longer what I feel. Courage I had all out of fear. My heart aches. It bleeds. It’s beating but dead knowing choices are to be made. I made a choice out of love, fear and the slightest of hope that the pain I have caused you someday will give you peace.
It’s a different kind of quiet. Not one that you often have asked for. Not quite what you have felt. With this one comes the anticipation of better days and reassurance of peace and comfort. With this quiet comes the longing of the loudest relief in any form. With this quiet, it seems the same tears beg to peek out slowly, roll and drop laced with a new fear that maybe the new day might not be the best you’ve hoped for.
Training myself to let go of everything I’m afraid to lose is excruciating. Some days I’m drained empty and other days barely holding on to what used to matter. The balance in my life is teetering and in full swing to sides unknown. I’m often leaning on one side not by choice but by the stronger pull of that which overwhelms me. On the surface I maintain excellent composure as I go about my day, light seemingly shining through from within and an aura of confidence. I’m on survival mode more so than the other days when I didn’t have to make a choice. Not that this has never been placed before me. It’s a cycle that continually erupts always changing to keep me on my toes. I never wonder if this...
What I failed to see while in the process of eliminating traces of ME are the memories of those who I’ve met. They will forever remain in the places they’ve been kept. Some worth keeping, some worth forgetting these memories all created from how they see me and not who I am.
Just like the words I’ve written and read over and over again, the waves of love and heartache clash only to mingle and attach themselves to each other. This heart broken thought to not withstand another storm hangs on a sliver of hope that may or may not see the light. Lost most days and gone all nights, it’s but the whispers of the walls crying and singing their lullaby begging for one more day... love will find its way.
Let go of the man that you have become because he is not who you are. Let go of the hurt you never deserved. Let go of the anger that every now and then festers when you are reminded of past not forgotten. Let all that go and see your old self come home to you. Give the love that you always believed in and it will find you.
I've asked myself over and over again... how did it come to this? My compassion has backfired. What's worse, innocents have become casualties because I was kind and understanding. My love, as strong as I thought it's been is no longer enough to sustain.
I was what held us together. Now I'm the link that will break us apart... only because I was kind and trusting.
I reflect sadly on this... I'm gullible to other people's pain and suffering. My family is open hearted to a fault because this is how I molded my children... but I did not prepare them for those who will come between us. We are but numbers now.
How did it come to this?
This is easier said than done, most people would say. When we hurt deeply we allow the pain to consume us... but once we learn to not be taken over completely there is a lesson that life is teaching us. Find out what it is no matter what everyone says... that it’s easier said than done. Push through all that hurts. It can be done.
Don’t be afraid to get rid of the wrong people in your life. You’re making room for the right ones to come along.
It’s funny how we see ourselves sometimes thinking we are damaged because of the pain we have gone through. Think about it... Aren’t we still around? We’re not damaged, we’re indestructible. We’ve survived!
It’s such a challenge to allow the space where I am and where I want to be. What I would give to always have the courage to simply allow it instead of terrifying me. Deeply breathing in a new day, letting fresh air travel to fill my lungs and exhaling what’s old and stale. Slivers of strength I know are wedged in the tiny cracks of what’s horribly broken. My heart trembles... I ache.
The day started quiet,unpretentious. I’m not quite sure it’s the day I tried to prepare for last night. It seemed as though I could be living somewhere else with the same things I’ve been meaning to discard. Same bed, ever so slowly falling apart, beautiful beddings now faded, nightstands with drawers full of little things that should find their way in the trash. The stillness outside is remarkably calming. I could trick myself into thinking I have moved. Looking around without judgement, I wondered what my walls would say if they could talk.
Not bothering to pick up my feet off the ground, I shuffled my way to the hallway. Short as it has always been, narrow but respectful of the space I ne...