I don't know how to tell you this but the person I am has become the person I have to be.
To keep your loved ones safe, things have to stay the same.
Change is not allowed.
If I cannot keep you safe, I'm afraid I will take you away because of my actions.
And it is my action itself that can keep you near me, always loving and happy.
Don't be afraid if you don't understand why I send you long texts at random moments to tell you how much I appreciate you.
A voice in my head tells me to.
Don't be worried if I tell you there's a cat in our house and you know that's not reality.
I can see things most people can't.
Don't freeze when you don't see my soul in my eyes,
It's left my b...
Sometimes I wonder where my destination lies.
Is it near the bittersweet mountains oozing wails of despair?
Or near cut-throat lanes filled with apathetic shoves and judgmental glares?
Do I save my nation or do I stoke the fire of my desire;
Was life so complicated a year ago?
Nay, it was all about the family's ire.
Does it hurt to turn a blind eye, to live comfortably in delusion
While the echoing screams in the distance cripple much of the seclusion?
Where does the peace hide, among numb simpleton bodies of five year olds?
Or among the haunting ribcages of the city's desecrated souls?
Prayer and effort, how much of it is accepted by the Lord
If half of it is lived in guilt, and half en...
Were beards made to mark the line I could never cross?
Was being daring taught as a satanic trait a good daughter could never possess?
While being torch-bearers of our generation and learning new paths to teach,
Where does the divide between acceptability of one's ordinance stop?
Must I trudge the forever path of rebellion to let myself breathe?
Must there be war for hearts to change?
When does the bloodshed in one's soul end...
When does the bloodshed in one's heart cease to hurt...
Sometimes I believe identity should cease to exist,
But then another's idea of it longs to mold the empty space inside me.
Live, and let live- what a mantra that has lost its voice!
Haggardly, it seems, I must...
I make a bouquet of thorns
Just to prick myself awake.
It's a hard time dreaming,
When reality is at stake.
It's nice to know I matter,
But sad, all the same.
Quenched throats and crumpled cups,
Are serial offenders of my name.
There was a time I was once melancholy,
It seems not to have passed.
I shall sit by with my rose of thorns,
And wait for it to last.
Don't matter. Exist calmly.
The sound of cluttering silence was what woke me up.
I got out of bed and put on my slippers. It was a task approaching the place where you stood, but I did it anyway.
You looked back and smiled. Your eyes were guarded, yet so deeply vulnerable that I couldn't tell you apart from him.
I wondered if you and him were the same. If you and him could swap bodies and I wouldn't notice.
But then your tongue emerged from the smoldering fire within you and your voice cut through my reverie.
I was always in a reverie, with you.
They were reveries of awe, of love, of admiration.
Did you know I admired you?
Did you know why it was and wasn't easy to be with you?
Yet, I stayed. My feet bled and I stay...
In this quiet beckoning towards my soul,
I found the urge to move aside.
Round and round the presence of my mind goes,
Trying to find the sweet divide.
When we do see, the lost eternity
Under tides and oceans that cradle oysters,
We find ourselves blinded by our prison
That shines as a barrier towards our visions.
"It isn't how it seems,
It is what it is" -
The mantra has come alive within.
Oh, how long
We've dreamt for this wind
To blow away our haunting sins.
What if it's all about being one's own salvation?
What if its not about being together, but learning about oneself while having a companion to hold you grounded?
Can I save someone?
Can I give myself that much power and authority to consciously let someone depend on me?
Unjust. Unethical. Unsustainable.
Although it is a deeply satisfying thought; knowing how important you are and how dominating you can be, I can't go ahead with it.
Darkness is not romance.
It is destruction.
So how will I love you when all you want to do is gulp in the light and cage it within your ribs?
But I shall.
But I shall.
I will wait for you to try to destroy me, in the eye of your storm.
Because I am sure th...
Am I being too much? Does this uncertainty lead to a point of stable conviction?
I don't know; I'm merely swaying with this breeze and trying to sing along.
I'm stumbling too, and I hope that it's noticable to you. To show you that I'm in the same space as you.
I can't make myself available to you. I have my own self to hold. But I'm trying to clasp this hesitance of yours, hoping it will turn into conviction.
I'm trying to tell you that I'm as human as you, and I'm enjoying the ride. I don't want you to jump off just yet, but my feelings don't define destiny.
Don't you see, or do you? How similar and miles apart we are. It's as if we're acknowledging the opposing energies and fusing the...
Look us in the eyes,
Its a common trait to avert your gaze.
The alienation of hairless children, is a prejudice that you behold.
Mummy and Daddy bought us this purse, and I can't seem to let go of the clutch.
All I can remember is how we tumbled down together,
When the bombs sucked our blood.
What is it that you and I both found that night?
A faint glimmer of an undercurrent whose scent had been buried under our ancestors' tales eons ago.
What is it that we felt and believed to be true?
The reality of a beautiful and everlasting relationship.
Did it make sense in front of these norms?
But for us, they were merely challenges we had to push towards.
Breaking the barriers, melting the anger-when will we stop?
I hope, never.
But I am too much of a fool to be trusted to hope.
Its too soon, its too quick,
Better not make mistakes.
Never apologised, only saw black and white,
Wouldn't know how we'll ever be.
Together and forever are patrol cars winding down the dark street,
No matter what we realise, I just hope we can live right.
Do my words make sense? Probably they do to you.
Am I inconsistent? Don't worry, I'll stay true to you.
Open your heart and let's fall apart,
Let's love each other more.
Don't be afraid, don't forget my name,
It's all about the message in your core.
I'll be waiting.
I like it when people need me.
I like the subtle exclusivity of my presence in their lives, and I like how much they rely on me.
But at the same time, I shy away from calling them my 'people' or my 'best friends', because these labels scare me.
They define the contours and expectations of the relationship I'm about to embark upon.
Truth be told, it overwhelms me- how much I'm supposed to do to be the 'good' best friend/ person.
I know how fucked up it sounds like this, instead of these thoughts just quietly swimming inside my head.
I don't really understand where this possessiveness comes from, but perhaps its a trait everybody has.
Everybody wants to feel wanted, to feel l...
In between days of whirling worries and shouting words.
In between dull headaches reminding me of my responsibilities, and hacking laughter devoid of heart.
I'm stuck, in between loving and hating the people I've so gently cared for.
In between understanding myself and God.
In between trivial desires and long, lifeless sleep.
I'm stuck and I hate what I'm slowly becoming: apathetic, dismissive, evasive,
I want to heal, but it requires me to get unstuck
To get unstuck would mean to accept failure, to accept flaws, to accept their dumb mistakes
To accept that I am completely and utterly terrified of making a decision.
A decision to move on.
A decision that will eventu...
I didn't want to accept it.
The fact that I lost, that fact that something so despicable as you could defeat me.
But I guess I was being arrogant.
I guess I was too proud of my faith.
I guess I considered myself a class apart, someone special and pure.
I know how hard I've been on myself and it's given me nothing but pain.
What was the point of putting myself under so much stress?
To prove that I was strong? That I was resilient?
But I still broke down, I still lost my way.
I have been too unjust to my own soul, too cruel, and I'm ashamed.
I'm sorry, me.
I wish I can now accept my wounds and heal them.
Stay still as I try to disinfect my mind and sing along our magic mantra:
Dear soul sister,
I never thought the time to part ways would come so soon and sweep our memories away, but the truth of the matter is, that we've grown apart from each other over the past few years.
Undeterred, however, we would always clinch in the use of the word 'soul' when speaking about one another, trying to trick our heart into thinking that we were still as inseparable.
But the time has come to do justice to what was once, a beautiful and pure relationship, now a power struggle and a clash of different and radically opposing ideologies.
A place unfit for the both of us.
Of course, you were the most sensitive between the two of us, so accepting such a possibility woul...
You might not know this, since it's so cold where you live, but summer has begun.
The garden of life is in full bloom and fat flies along with a myriad of scary insects are already self-righteously zooming past my ear. Butterflies are hovering around and the roses are swaying gracefully with the slight breeze.
It's peaceful and fragrant. And very warm.
I've infused the rays of the sun with my ink in the hope that it might melt the dampness within you.
I don't know if this letter can reach you. I heard from Hands that you whisper of the echoes of their footsteps and their words, but you cannot understand what they're saying.
I can only assume you had an argument with Mind. He...
Words that were highly
Bifurcated to be
Mighty, and tightly
Devised to be
The demise of entirety
Of you and I,
We are now at an impasse
You stare at the pieces of the glass case I finally broke away from
But I know you're in denial
And you are trying to let me go.
You're blind to the scars you lovingly carved on my face
Your eyes are blurred by the tears of self-righteousness
You call my faith my downfall,
Yet you worship your own drowning ego.
You cannot see what I am pointing towards
And you consider my words to be archaic and traditional
I can see the dagger turning in your flesh
I can see it poisoning you, I can see it ruining you.
Now I shall wait and stay
Not beside you, but far away
Your steps shall walk arrogantly toward the realization of your thoughts,
But by that time the dagger will ha...
Live your days
Never a breath
Of the misery
This choice begets.
You look once,
Battle life's lies
In your split mind.
Doesn't matter till late
Actions quietly made.
Soul is split, unfazed and dead
Yet he speaks of the living men
Matter quiet and abased inbred
Level of intelligence, a step ahead
Use your thoughts to divide the herd
Can't shut the noise of the damned, uncured
Devastate the rope of the United
Set fire to the case of enlightenment
Damn maze you made and spread
It's chock full of the screaming dead
Them unintentionals till Judgement you led
Won't know what'll hit you there cadet
Don't stick to the plan of snide
I didn't write about you to be conflicted.
I didn't write about you to be mocked.
I didn't write about you to be chained.
Do you see now? Or have you always known? The kind of muck that people dip their tongues in while considering it to be reason.
I was never a hater of their opinions, yet they've always tried to find thorny paths that would lead towards me.
I'm singing the tunes of the mystic and trying to wipe clean the muck through my conviction, yet I strangely feel empty and used.
I wonder what you're up there saying, and I wonder if you're raising an eyebrow at my shivering heart.
Because I wrote about you to be liberated,
But everywhere I go, your words have caged me, so I'm not...
Today I drank
From the cup of poison
That you had steadily spat
In all these years of my life.
Today I sat, cross-legged,
With my turban in front of your lap
That you slowly unfolded
While snickering at my foolish sincerity.
Today I let
Your foot oppress my being
As you mumbled oft-repeated words
Of ignorance and arrogance.
Today I gave myself away
To you, in your love
In your greed and haste,
Sucked it dry and complained
Of the poison that gushed through.
I sat at the door of my heart
In expectations of awaited mortal visitors.
Time ticked by and eons of love simmered in decay in the windy, moaning room.
The contours of the chipped at walls were bearable with books and music,
And sometimes pleasantly surprising with occasional rays of sunshine and fragrance.
The door rarely opened, yet stayed firm with a quiet resolve,
Knowing it's watchful existence was a service to the heart of the human.
It didn't matter how many came and went,
How many forgot to close the door shut and how many forced their way in.
Every time the visitors beckoned a hungry storm wrought with their pain,
And I was left, panicking to tend the gushing wounds a...
Dear Definition of a Friend,
You've changed yet again.
It wasn't so long ago since our last stalemate, but you've unsurprisingly brought out the big guns, Busy and Not In Contact.
Last time when we had fought over a similar issue, we'd decided not to use them frequently.
But I suspect your buddy, Definition of a Life, filled your ears with garbage to create discord and make you cross that particular line you had stayed away from till now.
You know, maybe it's just me, but I really don't get this charade of nonsense you've been loudly proclaiming about in the city lately.
I heard from Compassion that you ignored him completely when he tried to start a discussion with you in Church and th...
Do not lay down
the tiles for me to step gingerly on,
I will not tread lightly
On the prison you've created.
Do not shake the dust off
Of old rusty boxes for me to enter into,
I will not decrease myself
Behind your thin, cardboard walls.
Do not bring out the puzzle
Your heart encompasses for me to decode lovingly,
I will not shave my soul to fit yours.
Do not look at me with disdain
As I resist these advances of yore,
I am no longer a fixer of your flaws,
I am no longer yours.
The only thing that could try to make or break me now,
Is the uncertainty of Your Love endowed.
It doesn't matter if it's just a kernel's length to sow,
It's in Your Company that I could only hope to bow.
We're slapping judgements here and there like we're God angels fam,
What do we even know about the tale of the sacrificial lamb?
Or the sheep, the one that replaced Prophet Abraham,
The one that prepared us for God's greatest man.
It's not about the best religion, it's about the One within.
The One that speaks to us from the folds of our heavy sins.
The One that stops us from falling into the darkness' whim.
The One that cradles all our days of a shady constant dim.
'Cause in the end, y...
My eyes have bled
A colour of pain
As the night of a thousand sorrows,
Have spilled red from my veins.
My eyes have woven
A tale of blue
Intricate to her and I,
The story we could never sew.
My eyes have silence
As their voice
A reason of the past,
A tale of coerced choice.
My eyes have decided
To bleed away
You shall continue to stay blind,
To your own hopeless ways.
Shed my skin
that prickles against my flesh
Keep the scissors down
and let the tresses grow
Follow the road not taken
and never look back
And I will find
who I'm meant to be.
The higher self
shall wait in the light
With the tresses
I so desperately sought
A smile of knowing
and truthful love
Come to me,
Come to thee.
and I shall walk along
As people stare
and rudely grow
Words and actions
Of eventual passing
I am becoming,
I will become.
Nevertheless, it's a sunny day
When your sobs and hiccups are accompanied
By teeth that gnash in evident anger,
And reason that screams toward evident irrationality.
Nevertheless, it's quiet and lonely
When you look around you for fairytale fingers
That fit around your hands like a familiar glove,
And whisper the words you now narrate to yourself.
And nevertheless, it's a never-ending tale
Of deliberate disillusionment and dissociation,
Where Yesterday's burnt bridges and ropes torn,
Are repetitively repaired by Tomorrow's bricks and knots.
Its Nevertheless, never any less
For us to feel this or that way,
To feel the essence of ourselves,
To trudge on and fight for our day.
I'm not what you would call an experienced lover.
I don't really understand subtle gestures and implicit phrases until a significant amount of time has passed and I realise the monstrosity of my perceived passivity.
I don't understand how to show my love, how to express it, how to encapsulate it in words.
Living with me, many would tilt their heads in apparent disagreement with my thoughts, stating how my personality directly betrays my sentiments.
How I'm an open book, and how I'm not complicated.
Or harbouring demons in wait for their salvation from The One True Love.
I wouldn't disagree.
Many who've shown an interest in me have often called me simple, understanding, lo...
I wasn't surprised when you arrived in my dream last night.
We were speaking softly with each other while sitting across the dining table.
You were smacking your lips clean from the cup of ice cream I had placed in front of you.
Among the murky folds of this memory, we shared our emotions, laughed and hung our heads down in sweet reminiscence.
In my dream, you were a stranger.
Someone I still had a chance with,
Someone who was curious and in awe of discovering me.
Someone who knew their boundaries and respected my cautious tone.
In my dream, just as in reality, I was hopeful and excited.
I found myself being drawn to you, being observant of your words,
Waiting for the familiar landsca...