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the Winged Messen...

PO# 490575
United States
United States
Who am I, you ask? I’m just a girl who believes in the power of compassion and the magic of loving each other ❤️ #FearMyPluto
October 21, 2018
Watford City, United States

            ~Challenge Accepted~

Some of the not so pleasant challenges I face on a daily basis as a woman working in a predominantly male profession such as the oilfield...

While I have had my fair share of sexual harassments throughout the years, as a female I believe I sort of just become complacent towards the sexual advancements and innuendos directed at me as just a part of being around men in both social/professional  settings from the bar to the oilfield. These types of challenges are to be expected and while they’re in no way “appropriate” it’s something that’s always there and I’ve  become accustomed to brushing that dirt off my shoulder and carrying on.  No big deal.

The less ...

BOLD
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October 21, 2018
 

             ~Insidious Horror~

I think one of the most horrifying and insidious acts a so called human being can do to another human being is the act of betrayal to a survivor of abuse. I’m talking ANY and all abuse defining betrayal by discrediting their story, shaming them, labeling them or otherwise using against them in a way to perpetuate further psychological damage or to utilize a
a form of manipulation to their advantage..

I’m pretty big on picking up red flags since my last relationship and the most recent one had a few BIG ONES only this time I didn’t allow myself to be drug down or pulled under but instead kept a safe distance to watch as it would all unfold..

Just as I suspe...

WHITE CLOCK
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October 20, 2018
Williston, United States

I thought when I opened up to you, you’d nurture that gift. Maybe you thought you could but out of anger your true feelings were exposed and I got the message loud and clear.  Understand as you continued to spew the venom the reason I didn’t ask any questions was because no clarity was needed. I knew where you stood and how you felt.

When I refused to engage and just let you vent, you became even more enraged..

I’m not going to ever apologize for something I asked you not to do, and you went ahead and did it anyway despite my wishes. You can use whatever excuse you have at your disposal such as “but it’s public” because you want to justify your actions to me but there’s is no real reaso...

WHITE CLOCK
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October 20, 2018
Watford City, United States

I find it fascinating that you read my writing, things so personal I have never shared the link with anyone close to me before you and you read them from beginning to end and after all the words you processed the only thing you came up with and continue to say is that I’m a “passive aggressive victim.”

It just amazes me really because I’ve never once played the victim card.

The thing you haven’t taken into consideration is that your perception of what you read and comprehended says more about yourself than my writing will ever say about me.

Each of us can read the same piece and we can each take something different away from it.. while there is no right or wrong answer it appears you cou...

POWERFUL WOMAN
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October 20, 2018
Watford City, United States

            ~Make No Mistake~

To The Guy That Wrecked Me,
Just so we’re clear here, I in no way would take you back.. I want to make this point crystal clear just in case you might decide to read my blog and get the wrong impression.

I write as a form of release. I feel no shame for what I do to process and identify with what I’m feeling and I make no apologies. I do what I have to do in order to grow.

I’m not your victim just in case that might be what you think.. you never had that kind of power over me. Not then and not now or ever.
I’m glad we parted ways because in doing so I grew into this unbelievably strong, independent, self sufficient woman with self confidence and boundaries ...

RESILIENT
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October 19, 2018
Watford City, United States

                    ~You’re Right~

Maybe you’re right. I’m not ready for this relationship ..
I’m not ready to be called names.
I’m not ready to be called a victim when I had to claw my way outta the grave just to be here today.
I’m not ready to be mocked on line.
I’m not ready to have the very things I struggle with thrown in my face.
I’m not ready to be told that I want to be abused.
I’m not ready to be judged.
I’m not ready to be love bombed and then when things aren’t turning out the way you thought it should you attack me with all of the above.
I’m not ready for you to throw a temper tantrum because I told you where you can shove your projections.
I’m not ready to be pushed into your...

NEVER LOOK BACK
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October 19, 2018
Watford City, United States

               ~Lesson Learned~

It sucks. I fucked up. I take total blame for this but he continued to overstep boundaries that were put into place..
I tried explaining to him the friends I have are friends I have had for many years or even more .. he would see a comment on my fb posts and while some I guess could be seen as flirtatious most were just harmless and he still felt the need to jump on them for things he would perceive but that weren’t necessarily the way he thought.. like once I referenced wanting to take him in the weeds and a friend encouraged me to “get it girl “ WITH the guy I wrote the post about.. but he saw it as dude telling me to get it girl with him.. he fucked the wh...

OMG
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October 17, 2018
Williston, United States

I never realized how ugly and toxic you were until most recently.. how you used me right from the beginning ..
within a week of sleeping with you I will never forget how you told me I wasn’t your usual type and that you liked blonde hair and big tits.. making me feel like I should strive to be something I wasn’t and actually pointing out things I couldn’t control like the size of my tits. How wicked you are under your guise..

then you honed in on saying you felt I cuss too much and I need to quit smoking and I noticed you quit kissing me despite not smoking around you. I worked on the cussing .. bought vape liquid but you ignored me and communication was an issue ..

So I continued to smo...

EXCUSE ME?
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October 17, 2018
Williston, United States

             ~Zero Fucks Given~

Had an interview yesterday for a job on the production side of the oilfield because it’s the stable side. Frack is and always has been feast or famine.. either you work 120 hours a week or you work zero. Production is steady work but a little less money.
So I go in and give them the performance of a lifetime.. I came out and told the new beau in a text that I nailed it with my knowledge in the field, my unmatched integrity in our line of work, my awesome attendance record, etc..
Now this dude is infatuated with my looks and he has the audacity to ask, “was it a dude interviewing you? Because of course he’s gonna pick the hot chick. I’m a dude so I know how t...

NOT AGAIN
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October 14, 2018
Watford City, United States


In an article from the website ifuckinglovescience it states that dark traits are associated with those individuals who keep their online dating apps available as a use to cheat on their partners..

In response to the article I concluded:

*I deleted mine immediately after meeting James Hussey but the guy I was seeing BEFORE most certainly didn’t (he also kept his POF ACCT among several others upon investigation) .. and Seth and I have both had our suspicions of his mental incapacity yet we have never agreed as to whether he is a psychopath or a sociopath but the one thing we and those that know him agree on after dissecting all the evidence is that he was a narcissist..
scary shit right...

YOU MAD
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October 12, 2018
Williston, United States

                   ~Elevated~

Forgive me for being unable to write in these last few months.. I’ve started so many pieces but the words don’t flow like they used to .. I’m trying to find inspiration though and it’s killing me without the release I get from the expression.
I’m happy to report for those of you following I’m now dating a new beau and while I’m taking things extremely slow I’m ecstatic at the prospect of a future filled with excitement, fun and loads of love.
I’m still working some of my quirks out .. I thought I was ready .. turns out, even the most pleasurable experiences are triggers to the wounds that were embedded so deeply ..
These issues are what I’d like to address in...

SUCCESSFUL WOMAN
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October 11, 2018
Williston, United States

Am I Ever Going to Get Over This?

I never realized how ugly and toxic you were until most recently.. how you used me right from the beginning ..

within a week of sleeping with you I will never forget how you told me I wasn’t your usual type and that you liked blonde hair and big tits.. making me feel like I should strive to be something I wasn’t and actually pointing out things I couldn’t control like the size of my tits. How wicked you are under your guise..

I also remember you acting like the night I slept with you was my first time meeting or some shit.. it wasn’t but you acted like I was some whore.. we had been flirting with each other over a month..

then you honed in on how you f...

WHITE CLOCK
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October 4, 2018
Williston, United States

Embrace Yourself-

Protect your boundaries
Love yourself first and always, every damn day
Demand better
Know your worth
Heed the red flags
Set the standard high
Be choosy
Be inquisitive
Don’t accept any less than the best
Be assertive
Actively pursue your goals
Smash stereotypes
Be less judgmental
Be humble
Pay your bills on time
Love your family
Place Value your loved ones not on things
Find the silver lining
Stop over thinking
Don’t stress over things you can’t control
Tell the important people in your life you love them
Communicate don’t hate
Release resentment
Be a fucking tiger
Don’t allow anyone to suck your energy
Banish negative assholes from your life
Go to work
Remain fo...

HEART HANDS
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September 26, 2018
 

     ~Come at me Brah~
Current Mood; Eat a bag of dick.
I’m so fucking sick of being questioned about my work ethnic.. I have a house payment, I have three boys, one graduating this year, two of which are attending college either now or within a year, I was behind on everything and I happen to be doing everything by my fucking self.. I don’t get child support ., like literally it’s not even ordered so I’ll never get it.. I HAVE to work to survive.. so please quit asking me when I’ll have time for you .. I work 16-18 hours a day.. I don’t get a fucking day off.. I don’t have time for me.. I’m exhausted.. just fucking stop asking me to explain myself and quit acting like I want it this way.. ...

DO RIGHT
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September 26, 2018
 

   ~The Art of Acquiescence~

I realized tonight that I need to let go of everything I thought I want and I am in no way obligated to feel as though I am in control of everything.. especially that in which I cannot control. I have to teach myself that just because I wanted it, worked for it and thought I needed it does not mean I can have it, keep it or need it as much as I thought I did. I am going to stop holding on to these crazy notions and consider that just maybe I should take the free fall flight of this unpredictable life and see where I land. I tend to hold on to the things I feel an emotional attachment to, even when they no longer feel welcoming or serve a purpose. I can no longer...

SMILE TODAY
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September 19, 2018
Williston, United States

       ~Soul Susceptibility~
How disturbing it is to analyze the soul mate theory when regarding past lives and accounting karmic debt... specifically coming into a karmic contract with another individual to make the connection needed to correct the past karmic imbalance the soul owes..

They say soul mates aren't always what we envision.. the fairy tale illusion of the perfect partner, the lover, the friend, the in depth connection. It isn't rainbows and unicorns.. as much as we'd like to think it is.

More than likely your soul mate is not who you're meant to be with forever and ever, like we tend to romanticize. Instead this karmic debt could have and quite possibly occurred because of ...

STAR EXPLODING
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September 18, 2018
 

I'm his BEST Wing Man

My oldest called me the other night and kind of surprised me with what he had to say..
he said he was thinking about me and wanted me to know how much he really loves me and then he thanked me... shockingly enough I graciously accepted his compliment but asked why he was so mushy all of a sudden..
he's 26 now and I'm 44 so if you can do math, you'll know I was fairly young when I had him so we pretty much grew up together.. our journey involved each other whereas with my other two I was already leveled up as a mother ..
Jake told me I'm the best momma ever and even more than that, I've always been his best wingman..
he reminded me of this one time he invited this gi...

ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE
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September 17, 2018
Williston, United States


To the Dan I loved and not the Dan behind the Mask,

I think it's really too bad you are so emotionally stunted and immature that your only defense mechanism is to ostracize. We could've been so powerful working these issues out as they surfaced and instead you chose to be dishonest, be deceitful, lack integrity. I told you what would happen in the beginning and how important it would be to be mature enough to handle the intensity and the seriousness of our union and you lied and assured me you were ready to tackle the issues that would come up openly.

I find it funny how every relationship you seem to encounter always ends with them being a narcissist or as you label them "crazy" or "dru...

YES YOU CAN
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September 7, 2018
 

This weeding out people that are toxic for me unfortunately isn’t over quite yet as I had a staunch reminder today.

I’m tired of fighting for the wrong people..

I’m tired of holding on to relationships with people that only want to be nice to me when it benefits them.

I’m sick of being so compassionate and understanding that I give chance after chance and worse I allow them to treat me badly and let them get away with it.

I’m done being walked on
Providing a doormat to wipe your feet on.

While it’s true I’m the one that usually makes contact with you, I considered you more like family (and neither of us have much of that) but I’m finished. I’m through with you.

I’ve been slowly lea...

GREAT THINGS
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September 15, 2018
Williston, United States

Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.      

Edna St. Vincent Millay

What's it feel like to be ignored and ostracized by the one person you've honestly and truly loved with your whole heart?

The first time it happens it's like a shock wave hitting your whole body..
Because I had an ex and a Mother that did this to me, it triggered feelings of resentment anger, rage. I thought I was better adapted and equipped to endure it this time around....

NEVER FORGET
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September 13, 2018
Williston, United States

             ~Creative Visions~

In that moment of loss
A crystal vision of the cross
It gave me hope in my head
When I should’ve felt dead
Instead I saw red
Of those before me that bled
Hanging on sights on the hope
Spittin’ lyrics like pure dope
I got nothin’ but time
To produce this rhyme
Cause I ain’t committin no crime
So go ahead drop the dime
Tell all these boys and girls the news
I’m back for the attack
I'm singin dem blues
Saying it like I see it.
Feeling it and believin it
Because I have a burning desire
To mix my spirit with your fire

Oh yeah, I almost forgot
I'm up for hire! (LOL)

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THE WORLD AWAITS
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September 13, 2018
Williston, United States

                   ~Touched~

I’m not sure if I’m ever gonna see you again. I’m praying for the sake of my sanity I get to keep my job but I slept over my alarm again today and it doesn’t sound good. I guess I’m impressed I last thing long with an average of two hours a sleep per night for the last three weeks.

I’m sitting here engulfed in self doubt, anxiety, wondering why I have to be human, why I can’t hear my alarm even though I’m so tired and downing myself because my livelihood depended on this and my kids were depending on me and if I lose this job I let them down. I’m shaking, I’m afraid, I’m ashamed.

I just want you to know, you are such a powerful force and our conversations to...

THANK YOU
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September 13, 2018
Williston, United States

Know Thyself

1.) What 3 words describe how I feel right now? 
A. Lonely, Sad, Tired
2.) What is the biggest problem or hurdle in my life right now?
A. Saving Grace
3.) What is going really well for me in my life right now?
A. My Career
4.) If I could change anything about my life what would it be?
A. How I viewed myself from an early age. I would've been a better friend to myself.
5.) What really bothers me about my life right now?
A. Living Away From Home
6.) What is one thing I can do to improve my life for today?
A. Sleep
7.) What things do I love about myself?
A. My Tenacity, Love of Life, Sparkling Personality, Wanting to Love Everyone, My Helpful Nature
8.) What is the most important ...

LOVE IS WORTH IT
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September 13, 2018
Williston, United States

Who Am I?

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?
A. Being a mother at the age of 17 and having all odds stacked against me and being confronted with survival. I didn’t have a driver’s license. My mother didn’t like my baby’s father so she kicked me out and I was homeless at 17 with a baby only months old and had no money or means to support myself nor did I have any family I could turn to for financial assistance or a place to stay. I fought hard to survive and had many life lessons served to me during that first couple of years and had many good people teach me a thing or two about life. These adversities made me the compassionate, empathetic humble...

HOLD YOUR HAND
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September 13, 2018
Williston, United States

           ~Sucker Punches~

It's that gut wrenching moment when it hits me like a locomotive barreling down the tracks at top speed, throttle wide open.
It strikes at the most inopportune moments by exposing the the very real, raw emotions for all to see..
Because this deep sadness doesn't
give a fuck...
It doesn't give a fuck if I'm at work, with people parading around every corner and there's no place to hide the shame of guilty fears surfacing..
Where there are twenty people around me to witness the tears streaming in rapid fire down my cheeks. It doesn't give a fuck if I'm in a public place under watchful eyes, just waiting to cast judgement as it hits me right in the gut like a sucker...

CHEATED
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September 12, 2018
 

I realized something pretty profound;
Heartache, heartbreak, pain, sorrow, disappointment, suffering, affliction, grief and despair... none of these things make the heart hard, bitter or cold as you might expect it would. Rather experiencing these ocean of emotions makes the heart SOFTER, BIGGER, STRONGER, RESILIENT and oh so IRRESISTIBLE.

It gives us the ability to LOVE so much more than we ever thought possible.

So to all those who've loved and lost... have hope and know that your heart is that much bigger.

To all those that have shattered my heart, broke it into a million little pieces, wrecked me, broke me...
I thank you for allowing my heart to expand so that I can drown someone ...

LOVE BLOSSOMING
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September 12, 2018
Williston, United States

Happy people don't go through life expecting or collecting recognition.

They go through life giving it away.

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DREAM, WISH, DO.
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September 11, 2018
Williston, United States

                 ~Hope~

Hope is not pretending that troubles don't exist. It is the hope that they won't last forever. That hurts will be healed and difficulties can be overcome. That we will be led out of the darkness and into the warmth and light of the sunshine.

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DREAM BIG
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September 6, 2018
New Town, United States

God it feels so good to be happy again.. I made a decision a little while ago and I’ve stuck to my guns and honestly I’ve come such a long way from where I was at even just a month ago.. when I smile nowadays I can see the genuineness in my eyes.. and I feel better on the inside, better than I have in a really long time..

I knew what I was getting into.. I knew better but I didn’t listen to my gut instinct as usual and I paid for it.. I’m slowly making my way back and I don’t know if I’ll ever be so willing to put my happiness into another person again.

I’m still learning to love myself unconditionally. Tough lessons but I feel like I’ve received big blessings, too while working through ...

KEEP DREAMING
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September 5, 2018
Williston, United States

     ~Poor White Trash~

I guess you’re not ever coming back
So I took a full time position
in the gas and oil frack
It seems like I’ve been holding
on to hope for so long
Wishing and praying but
we just didn’t belong
I guess it’s making me sick
Realizing I was played by a dick
We had different thoughts and views
this caused me some heartache blues
I’m getting better now
Because I made the vow
To stop thinking of you
And loving you, too.
I can see how sick you are
Your mental health is certainly
Far from par
Especially when you go around
Collecting hearts in a jar
I hope you get the help you need
But until then
I’ll sit back to watch you bleed
Maybe you’ll bleed yourself dry
Before yo...

I'M WATCHING YOU
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