the Winged Messen...
|Who am I, you ask? I’m just a girl who believes in the power of compassion and the magic of loving each other ❤️ #FearMyPluto|
How disturbing it is to analyze the soul mate theory when regarding past lives and accounting karmic debt... specifically coming into a karmic contract with another individual to make the connection needed to correct the past karmic imbalance the soul owes..
They say soul mates aren't always what we envision.. the fairy tale illusion of the perfect partner, the lover, the friend, the in depth connection. It isn't rainbows and unicorns.. as much as we'd like to think it is.
More than likely your soul mate is not who you're meant to be with forever and ever, like we tend to romanticize. Instead this karmic debt could have and quite possibly occurred because of ...
I'm his BEST Wing Man
My oldest called me the other night and kind of surprised me with what he had to say..
he said he was thinking about me and wanted me to know how much he really loves me and then he thanked me... shockingly enough I graciously accepted his compliment but asked why he was so mushy all of a sudden..
he's 26 now and I'm 44 so if you can do math, you'll know I was fairly young when I had him so we pretty much grew up together.. our journey involved each other whereas with my other two I was already leveled up as a mother ..
Jake told me I'm the best momma ever and even more than that, I've always been his best wingman..
he reminded me of this one time he invited this gi...
To the Dan I loved and not the Dan behind the Mask,
I think it's really too bad you are so emotionally stunted and immature that your only defense mechanism is to ostracize. We could've been so powerful working these issues out as they surfaced and instead you chose to be dishonest, be deceitful, lack integrity. I told you what would happen in the beginning and how important it would be to be mature enough to handle the intensity and the seriousness of our union and you lied and assured me you were ready to tackle the issues that would come up openly.
I find it funny how every relationship you seem to encounter always ends with them being a narcissist or as you label them "crazy" or "dru...
This weeding out people that are toxic for me unfortunately isn’t over quite yet as I had a staunch reminder today.
I’m tired of fighting for the wrong people..
I’m tired of holding on to relationships with people that only want to be nice to me when it benefits them.
I’m sick of being so compassionate and understanding that I give chance after chance and worse I allow them to treat me badly and let them get away with it.
I’m done being walked on
Providing a doormat to wipe your feet on.
While it’s true I’m the one that usually makes contact with you, I considered you more like family (and neither of us have much of that) but I’m finished. I’m through with you.
I’ve been slowly lea...
Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.
Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
What's it feel like to be ignored and ostracized by the one person you've honestly and truly loved with your whole heart?
The first time it happens it's like a shock wave hitting your whole body..
Because I had an ex and a Mother that did this to me, it triggered feelings of resentment anger, rage. I thought I was better adapted and equipped to endure it this time around....
In that moment of loss
A crystal vision of the cross
It gave me hope in my head
When I should’ve felt dead
Instead I saw red
Of those before me that bled
Hanging on sights on the hope
Spittin’ lyrics like pure dope
I got nothin’ but time
To produce this rhyme
Cause I ain’t committin no crime
So go ahead drop the dime
Tell all these boys and girls the news
I’m back for the attack
I'm singin dem blues
Saying it like I see it.
Feeling it and believin it
Because I have a burning desire
To mix my spirit with your fire
Oh yeah, I almost forgot
I'm up for hire! (LOL)
I’m not sure if I’m ever gonna see you again. I’m praying for the sake of my sanity I get to keep my job but I slept over my alarm again today and it doesn’t sound good. I guess I’m impressed I last thing long with an average of two hours a sleep per night for the last three weeks.
I’m sitting here engulfed in self doubt, anxiety, wondering why I have to be human, why I can’t hear my alarm even though I’m so tired and downing myself because my livelihood depended on this and my kids were depending on me and if I lose this job I let them down. I’m shaking, I’m afraid, I’m ashamed.
I just want you to know, you are such a powerful force and our conversations to...
1.) What 3 words describe how I feel right now?
A. Lonely, Sad, Tired
2.) What is the biggest problem or hurdle in my life right now?
A. Saving Grace
3.) What is going really well for me in my life right now?
A. My Career
4.) If I could change anything about my life what would it be?
A. How I viewed myself from an early age. I would've been a better friend to myself.
5.) What really bothers me about my life right now?
A. Living Away From Home
6.) What is one thing I can do to improve my life for today?
7.) What things do I love about myself?
A. My Tenacity, Love of Life, Sparkling Personality, Wanting to Love Everyone, My Helpful Nature
8.) What is the most important ...
Who Am I?
1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?
A. Being a mother at the age of 17 and having all odds stacked against me and being confronted with survival. I didn’t have a driver’s license. My mother didn’t like my baby’s father so she kicked me out and I was homeless at 17 with a baby only months old and had no money or means to support myself nor did I have any family I could turn to for financial assistance or a place to stay. I fought hard to survive and had many life lessons served to me during that first couple of years and had many good people teach me a thing or two about life. These adversities made me the compassionate, empathetic humble...
It's that gut wrenching moment when it hits me like a locomotive barreling down the tracks at top speed, throttle wide open.
It strikes at the most inopportune moments by exposing the the very real, raw emotions for all to see..
Because this deep sadness doesn't
give a fuck...
It doesn't give a fuck if I'm at work, with people parading around every corner and there's no place to hide the shame of guilty fears surfacing..
Where there are twenty people around me to witness the tears streaming in rapid fire down my cheeks. It doesn't give a fuck if I'm in a public place under watchful eyes, just waiting to cast judgement as it hits me right in the gut like a sucker...
I realized something pretty profound;
Heartache, heartbreak, pain, sorrow, disappointment, suffering, affliction, grief and despair... none of these things make the heart hard, bitter or cold as you might expect it would. Rather experiencing these ocean of emotions makes the heart SOFTER, BIGGER, STRONGER, RESILIENT and oh so IRRESISTIBLE.
It gives us the ability to LOVE so much more than we ever thought possible.
So to all those who've loved and lost... have hope and know that your heart is that much bigger.
To all those that have shattered my heart, broke it into a million little pieces, wrecked me, broke me...
I thank you for allowing my heart to expand so that I can drown someone ...
Happy people don't go through life expecting or collecting recognition.
They go through life giving it away.
Hope is not pretending that troubles don't exist. It is the hope that they won't last forever. That hurts will be healed and difficulties can be overcome. That we will be led out of the darkness and into the warmth and light of the sunshine.
God it feels so good to be happy again.. I made a decision a little while ago and I’ve stuck to my guns and honestly I’ve come such a long way from where I was at even just a month ago.. when I smile nowadays I can see the genuineness in my eyes.. and I feel better on the inside, better than I have in a really long time..
I knew what I was getting into.. I knew better but I didn’t listen to my gut instinct as usual and I paid for it.. I’m slowly making my way back and I don’t know if I’ll ever be so willing to put my happiness into another person again.
I’m still learning to love myself unconditionally. Tough lessons but I feel like I’ve received big blessings, too while working through ...
~Poor White Trash~
I guess you’re not ever coming back
So I took a full time position
in the gas and oil frack
It seems like I’ve been holding
on to hope for so long
Wishing and praying but
we just didn’t belong
I guess it’s making me sick
Realizing I was played by a dick
We had different thoughts and views
this caused me some heartache blues
I’m getting better now
Because I made the vow
To stop thinking of you
And loving you, too.
I can see how sick you are
Your mental health is certainly
Far from par
Especially when you go around
Collecting hearts in a jar
I hope you get the help you need
But until then
I’ll sit back to watch you bleed
Maybe you’ll bleed yourself dry
This is it; I’ve spent too much time as of today hoping you’d come back to me.
I’ve cried for you in ways in which are not appealing for a grown woman to do.
Today will be the last day I sob hoping you still love me.
Truth is, you never did. I know that now and it’s so painful that after today I’m going to erase you from my memory so you can’t continue to hurt me.
You did, you know. I trusted you and would’ve stuck up for you venomously until today.
I wanted to be the one for you like I felt you were for me. Thinking back at how much respect and trust I put into you without knowing who you really were was foolish on my part because I remember the day...
Just getting home from work... grabbed up some new work boots to use until my good ones get here from the land down under and bought some inserts and I can barely feel the pain in the pad of my left foot.. it’s been excruciating at work and I’ve been limping around for a week but I started to research what “steps” (no pun intended;) to take to assist in alleviating the pain and discomfort and it’s really working. Crazy how a few minor adjustments can make a world of difference.
I made friends with the frac crew’s HSE guy (which is what I wanna be when I grow up) and he’s teaching me some things that will help me along the way of reaching my goal of securing an HSE ...
I used to be afraid
I'd forget you.
Now I pray
I now know that just because I’m not your “type” didn’t mean that I was any less of a good woman like you attempted to make me believe.
You took aim at my self esteem and targeted my fragile sense of self worth... you spared no expense in the attempt to gain total control of me including what I thought of myself but you lost the game when your focus turned inward and everything became about you.
I guess it always was, wasn’t it? About you.
Your projections were never anything other than how you viewed yourself.
~Your Loss, My Gain~
In losing you I gained knowledge about myself through a wisdom I never knew I had.
I learned that while you may have not been ready for the strength and power of my unwavering love, that I have what it takes to love someone unconditionally and fully.
And all of a sudden I remembered to step up and into my powerful self and realized I’m a pretty big fucking deal.
*working on the frac team mining that black gold (oil)*
Who would’ve thought being driven, dedicated and motivated to better myself and give my kids the life they deserve would basically disqualify me as a potential mate/SO.
I even tried to counter that reasoning with “but you’ll be able to spend my money because I’ll never have time...”
Good lord.. I can’t win. My bestie tells me I don’t need a damn person in my life right now but that she’ll take me to the sex store if I need some tension and anxiety relieved, hahahahaha 😂
I guess you could say I’m married to the game.. I’m a full blown workaholic.
I honestly don’t ever remember being this tired in my life...
My soul has paid dearly from playing with your fire and I still walk around smelling of singed ash and smoked skin. The burn scars still seep and ooze through my happy facade of false smiles I use to mask the grotesque deformities left to heal.
After realizing the profound effect his love has on me; concluding that true love, real love was heavy like a wet blanket leaving me breathless and so overwhelmed I was reduced to tears .. not knowing if I was feeling sad because I had never felt this loved before or are these the tears of happiness and joy, to have finally found what
I’ve been searching for my whole life.. it’s all so confusing .. I’m so confused.
The truth is, I have never felt this way... everyone says that but this is what I’ve been waiting for my entire life . It’s not perfect, there are things that drive me nuts about him.
It’s raw, it’s heavy. It leaves me gasping for air but not from being smothered. It’s a feeli...
*My Blessing, His Curse*
Last Saturday night with Jake (my oldest son) in ND.. He's taking me out for a night on the town but here lies the issue we have at hand; because of my inherently good looks and fantastic genetics thanks to my momma, I appear much younger than I really am and am consequently continuously wrecking his “Rico Suave” game because people assume we are a couple as opposed to me actually being his momma. It's my blessing and his curse. The look on their faces when we tell them the truth is priceless and most of them still question the truth of it, you can see it.
If I would’ve known that sunny spring weekend was going to be our last time together I would left that Friday instead of Saturday so I could’ve been with you a little longer.
If I would’ve known that long weekend was going to be the last time I saw you
I would’ve looked at you to admire your features a little better, a bit longer...really let the image sink in to burn an imprint in my mind’s eye.
If I would’ve known that Sunday night was going to be our last night together,
I would’ve came to bed sooner instead of creating the outline for the book I’m writing now...
If I would’ve known you were in the process of pursuing that other woman ...
I would’ve never bot...
I just wanted to thank you. For being such a good person and for taking the plunge to get to know me even though you made judgement beforehand. I’m glad you did, because I’m far from mean as you initially believed. Most people hold on to judgments and never bother making an honest attempt to know otherwise.
You taught me a lot in the few days we worked together.. about work but more importantly about me, about judgement, about digging deeper, about looking past first impressions, about the way in which I project myself for others to see me, about spiritual shit, about forgiveness, about color and how when we view others by their heart and their soul we become color...
Put your faith out there for the whole wide world to see
What better way to lead than by example of action.
Trust that good things will come to those that work hard.
Live your life in your truth.
Know without a doubt that what is meant to be will always find a way to work out no matter what the circumstances are.
Be so humble and grateful no one could ever question how thankful you are for every opportunity and heartbreak you experience.
Spread love, compassion and kindness to everyone you encounter because the world needs this desperately.
Be the best version of yourself in any given situation.
Be true to you.
~Sink or Swim~
I did my best to be irreplaceable to you.
I did the housework,
Catered to each individual family member
So all their needs were met individually and with exceptional quality.
I tried to put all your insecurities to rest by actively listening to what bothered you in your previous relationships,
I heard what you said and really made an honest attempt to incorporate the ways in which I could make sure none of my actions would trigger any past issues for you to second guess your choice to be with me.
I made every attempt to connect with you on all levels so that we could be stronger than any adversity we might be faced with. Never imagin...
Wine to quench the unmatched thirst
as I dine on such a fine soul
Feeling so damn sublime
Crystal visions appear benign
In my conscious but always
righteous chaotic mind
Lifted so damn high
Above the brightest baby blue sky
In a letter he wrote scripted
With word to promote
Humbled and thankful
I am so blessed and grateful
What a tremendous reward
After a day fighting with my sword
Of a mighty injustice
No greater feeling of hope
In a world so dope
It’s the little things in life
That help me through the strife
To continue carrying the heavy load
When I’d rather just explode