|Just a collection of letters/thoughts with no specific person to send them to.|
Sometimes the loneliness creeps in at night
I'm fine one minute then suddenly not right
I reach for the phone but there's no one to call
The only company is the emptiness in the hall
But I don't even know if I could describe
What is happening to my insides
How could anyone paint this sorrow?
My bones feel heavy but at the same time hollow
And my heart could collapse in my chest
That's if at first it doesn't go into arrest
I have trouble reaching for the comfort I seek
Because I don't want to be known for being weak
I know in myself that I am strong
But everyone needs someone after so long
Right now I can't recall the feel of human touch
I'm thinking three years without it is too much
I want to scream at the world to listen
But at the same time I want to go missin'
They say "you only write about yourself"
That's because all I have is my sense of self
I've never been accepted outside
Everyone made sure I stayed inside
Stepping over the threshold
Only ever landed me in a chokehold
When they all ripped me apart
They made sure to take a piece of my heart
They knocked the breath out of me
When they forced me to my knees
And when I landed flat on my back
They took the opportunity to attack
The wolves then knocked at my door
Just so they could take some more
I'm so sick and tired
Of having to be good and quiet
I just want to let go and scream
I want their world to fall apart at...
You've added more pages than I can count
Because I have no way of knowing what this is all about
Did you pick me up just to put me down?
Did you forget about me when you left this town?
I don't know what else I can do
I'm having trouble getting through to you
All I know is that I'm feeling dejected
That once again I was rejected
But you're busy I'm trying to understand
I'm trying to not let my thoughts get out of hand
Just let me know, just let me see
Do you still plan on finding me?
I just feel like I'm the last of my kind, like the apocalypse happened and I'm the only survivor. I don't mean it in a narcissistic way, I'm not any better than anyone else, it's more in a lonely way. There are communities I should be able to fit into the chronically ill or the ones who preach individuality but I look at it all and I feel like I still don't quite fit.
Don't misunderstand me, I have tried and I have wanted to but you can't force your soul to feel like it belongs somewhere it doesn't. Most of the time I accept that, I get on with my lot, I do the things that keep me busy, trudging on through, quietly existing and wondering if I'm even really here. I mean if there is no one ar...
Who was I fooling? Why couldn't I see?
You would never choose someone like me
Because at the end of the day who am I
But a girl with no more tears left to cry?
They ran dry and were all used up
On half reciprocated love
My heart carved out and hollow
Shattered by broken promises of tomorrow
And I can't muster one ounce of despair
I've tried but there is nothing there
Deep down I knew how this would end
But it was nice for a while to pretend
For a minute my life wasn't a sad story
Instead it was one of struggle and glory
But every chapter must come to a close
I just didn't expect it so soon I suppose
I desperately didn't want it to take a turn
I didn't want my character to yet again burn
I don't know what to do about this feeling I have
It's like I want to cry while I laugh
And the pull in each direction has me confused
I guess I'm a little too used to being used
That's why being held on the line
Makes me feel anything but fine
Because it's always expected
That I'll be pushed away and rejected
And with that reality I had grown content
But now I'm a little on the fence
This heart beating inside my chest
Has me convinced you're nothing like the rest
Though a problem lies in my mind
It knows I've rarely met someone kind
So how can I be one hundred percent sure
You're not like the ones who came before
You see in the past I have been wrong
And people have deceived me lifelong
An eerie look into what's to come
A future of bloodshed, bombs and guns
We didn't vote these people into power to start a war
Have they all forgotten what has been before?
The loss of life, faith and deviation
That rocked the world across all Nations
There are no winners in battle waged
Just petulant men filled with rage
How dare you decide on this future for us?
How dare you pay for your sins with our blood?
Handle this like adults with dignity
See past your malice and bigotry
If not there will be the high cost
We'll all have to watch on as lives are lost
Enough is enough, don't you understand?
You're the only ones who can stop this before it gets out of hand
It is for the sake of humani...
My not so imaginary friend
Is standing me up again
Making me look deluded
With all his plans so convoluted
They say not to believe
But I know he wouldn't deceive
Although I am getting scared
That he left me here without a care
I try to find and prove the signs
But they are half completed every time
They say I'm reading into it too much
"He hasn't got time for you, love."
Treating me like a child with a dream
Not facing reality it would seem
Looking at me through disbelieving eyes
Like I'm telling some sort of lie
Everyone saw what he wrote
So why are you taking my hope to choke?
Unlikely things happen all the time
Life has a habit of turning on a dime
The bad can't be predicted
Dreaming of purple skies
While the hands of time pass us by
Waiting for the oncoming storm
To wash away what is worn
They like to say it's scattering
But we know it's our souls shattering
We breathe our essence into the atmosphere
As we hold each other near
Because the destruction that is set to come
It all started in our lungs
We know better than anyone how much this will hurt
When the first lightning strike hits the earth
But there's nothing more I'd like to do
Than to ride this storm out with you
And the blame may lay at our feet
As the flood flows through the streets
But from our vantage point I must admit
There is something beautiful about it
That the sky turning into a different ...
Someone on Twitter posed the idea of writing all the things you're proud of this year but since it's coming to the end of the decade I took it one step further, 10 years of positivity. It's so easy to focus on the negative, I do all the time so I pose the challenge to look back on the past 10 years and pick out the things that make you proud. I tried my best to keep everything in chronological order but you don't have to.
These are mine (Age 14 - 24):
Having the initiative to drop out of a hostile school environment to educate myself instead.
Getting myself into a recording studio writing and completing a song which I then sung live and recorded in one take.
Writing and producing an origi...
I am waiting with the hope that you are not like everyone else. That you won't leave me out in the cold wondering where you are. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt because I understand your life is a whirlwind and that the storm stops for no one, I wouldn't want it to. Though in these moments when the clock has ran short and I am in the overtime, still I wait and still I hope.
Alone in this ivory tower
I don't feel like I have any power
Although the exterior looks shiny and bright
Inside the mold creeps up the walls a little more every night
Any light that manages to find its way in
Well... far too quickly it glows dim
And I know in time I'll be all but forgotten
Because all anyone has said is I'm a problem
I don't understand because I have always been out of reach
And they are the ones who throw stones they find at their feet
With their weapons they create cracks in my walls
While I look on, unable to do anything about it at all
My voice gets lost on its way to the ground
So I don't know why they keep coming around
Why can't they go away and leave me be?
Let me ...
I want someone to fall in love with my words
I want someone to think they're the most beautiful thing they've ever heard
Appreciate my mind and feel my soul
Accept that I am something that can't be controlled
No one has ever looked beyond my surface before
If they had they would've seen I am so much more
I'm not just a face with doe-like eyes
Infact deep inside an intricate world resides
A place where have always been the one sole resident
Because anyone who has ever come close suddenly became hesitant
They did not expect to step forth to the threshold of an abundant land
So they turned back because they didn't understand
How I could live in a forest that required tender love and care
I feel like I'm drowning in a city
That has failed to understand me
And I can't pry the hands from my throat
Strangling words that others will misquote
As they push me under the waves
I've lost the hope that I will be saved
I welcome the water into my lungs
Because it's better than living under the rule of twisted tongues
I'm sorry I can't be cryptic or mysterious
But how you view me at this point I couldn't care less
Because I am oh so very tired of these twisted games
My life has already been lived in that maze
My heart is weary and my resolve paper thin
And I don't want to feel this hollowness within
I just want someone to mean what they say
Wouldn't it be easier that way?
I can handle the truth whatever it may be
But being left without a word is killing me
I don't want to be strung along anymore
It's something I no longer care for
But it seems like every time I untangle the web
Someone's waiting to tie me back up again
I'm sick of being restricted I'm sick of being bound
When all I have ever wanted w...
You showed me as much love as you were able but it was never going to be enough because you watered it down with spite and contempt. For even the sweetness of sugar can't overpower the bitterness of vinegar.
The clock is chasing 2am
I can't seem to find sleep again
So here I am grasping my pen
Outside is so calm, so quiet
But my mind is instigating a riot
Conversations had or to have
Are being illuminated by my bedside lamp
And I'm breathing in clouds of smoke
In the best attempt to choke
The words that are climbing up my throat
They would only fall on a deaf ear
With no one close, no one near
But I wonder who else is out there
Awake like me with a cross to bear
And if I close my eyes and think hard
Will my thoughts reach out that far?
Can they travel to the most distant star?
If we made a psychic connection
With everyone who craved love and affection
Would we be able to feel less alone?
Recently I've been in doubt,
Do I know what I'm talking about?
Do I know how best to convey
The words I'm longing to say?
Am I capable of creating art from silence?
Do my brain and hands work in compliance?
This never ending self questioning
Is burrowing into my mind and festering
Pushing up the voices of my past
The disdainful tones punctuated with a laugh
And I'm trying my best to keep hold
Of the fact that my writing is honest and bold
But when your audience consists of walls in a room
It's so easy to build yourself up, so easy to assume
Someone would read and be able to understand
The suffering of my existence at first-hand
And how all the things that have happened to me
They all blee...
Yes it can be terribly tempting to go back to your old life. The one where you were surrounded by people instead of achingly alone, but you know it would be a mistake. You know those people were merely puddles while you were the ocean. You cannot shrink yourself to fit into a divet in the pavement unless you are willing to give up the majority of your volume and why would you want to do that?
To be untouched
Feels like asking for too much
Like a moment of glimmer
While life insists on getting dimmer
Intimate chatter in the dark
I was constantly looking for a spark
A brush of fingertips against a cheek
Was what I would always seek
A loving passionate kiss
Is something I almost miss
But you see you can't want what you never had
My relationships always turned sour and bad
There was no love or tenderness
Instead my life was left a mess
One by one they passed on by
Each taking a piece of me to die
Young, alone I never thought I would be
I thought love was out there waiting for me
But there was no white knight
In fact no hero at all in sight
Not a prince and princess meant to be
There is a boy in makeup with shaggy black hair
Singing about how he wants the world to be fair
He collects the broken and misused
He is the champion of the underrated youth
Speaking the truth no matter the cost
Shouting that hope is anything but lost
His voice is strong and loud
When he faces the crowd
He's the epitome of joy and glee
But sometimes his mask will slip and I can see
He's facing battles inside, he won't let anyone know
That something is trying to smother his glow
I wish I could ease the ache of his heart
But I can't because we're miles apart
Though in me he'll always find a friend
I'll be on his side through to the very end
I wrote this about Yungblud but I d...
I went over your words in my mind
My response and reactions in kind
What I would say now if I was back
If I was in your arms and under attack
The anger under the surface would bubble
My screams would turn our surroundings to rubble
Do you think it a fair price, a house for a soul?
Rent free if my body was yours to control
Invisible chains shackling me to the walls
As your orders echoed down the halls
For you to offer such a thing turns my stomach sick
The disrespect as if it was something I'd pick
I was meek, mild and scared back then
But now I'll challenge your words with my pen
For what I couldn't say I now will tell
Your offer of slavery didn't go over too well
The torment of you...
The longer I spend on my own the less I want to partake in the lives of others or society in general for that matter. This illness has isolated me and I'm somewhat glad it did, I let it, I welcomed it. Maybe it's because I have always felt this way even surrounded by people, I didn't feel like anyone wanted me but rather what they could take from me.
Now this room that used to feel like a tomb has become comfort and safety so much so that I could probably spend the rest of my days here quite contently because I don't have to fight for my place anymore, not like I did out there.
I go outside to the odd enjoyment a concert or a play but don't mistake that for me interacting with surrounding...
Sometimes my heart feels like it's still splintering over memories and people that are long gone. Things I should desperately be over by now but more specifically over him. I continue to talk about him whenever I can and the tone in which I do so changes with the mood swings day to day. Sometimes I'm hurt, sometimes I'm angry and sometimes I just miss him, as conflicted as that makes me feel to admit. He had his demons and he very much drove me insane with his incessant attempts to break me but I let myself fall irrevocably in love with him so much so that I wonder if I'll ever be fully out of it. I don't want him back because I'm too aware nothing would change, he would just take the opportu...
You left me for dead on the side of the track
You stole my heart now I'm taking it back
And in your reflection of the broken mirror, I came to know
The blood on my hands was from fighting to let go
Bruised knuckles and sliced palms
Yet you wouldn't loosen your grip on my arm
Your fingertips all but coiled into my flesh
As you waited for sins I couldn't confess
The ones you owned yet didn't admit to
So you took penance by leaving my soul black and blue
But you hopelessly failed in your destructive quest
Because my strong heart is back home inside my chest
I've escaped and although it is your marks I still see
I promise, no matter what you did, you never got the best of me
I've always had the issue of sharing too much, of having to say whatever is on my mind and share my story in excruciating detail. I have never been one to hold my cards to my chest. What I've learned though is that having too much or too little amounts of information out there about yourself can hurt you in very different ways. The little snippets can be taken out of context, they can be twisted and manipulated. The wrong part of the story can easily be turned into a nuclear missile that is capable of deconstructing your whole life. While saying too much causes people to know you far too well. They know the map to your heart in full detail, they know where the pain is, they know the slightest...
Music has much more importance than most people give it credit for. It has continually changed and shaped our world, in fact I'd say music and politics go hand in hand. Look at each decade of music and it will always follow the political landscape for that time period. When people are content and happy as a relative whole the music gracing the charts will follow suit but it will also lack soul and it causes everyone to become complacent. When everything is going wrong musicians will step forward and articulate the collective anger, they will create amazing works of art and create an image of the change we all so desperately want. For example; My Chemical Romance came from the tragedy of 9/11 ...
The best way I can describe that year is that it felt like I was being mauled by rabid animals. Their teeth and claws didn't just break the skin, they sunk into every nerve and muscle pulling at and unthreading every fiber of my being. I was surrounded and didn't see a way out, any time I tried to stand and get away I was dragged back along the floor. Only when there was barely a shred of me left did they move on. I had to push myself off the ground, I had to keep moving no matter how slow, I had to get out of there. It didn't matter to me that blood dripped from the flesh that barely hung to the bone. I was determined to survive by any means necessary. So don't you dare say I don't know pain...
The ones who have sworn to protect you are the ones who can hurt you the most. That's the thing about knights in shining armor, the swords they wield don't just slay dragons, they can also destroy the life of an innocent just as easily if the bearer so wishes.
A night out in town
One shot, two shots, ten shots down
A group full of men I had to prove I was worth keeping around
A woman, a buzzkill, I didn't want them to think
No, I'm just one of the guys so hand me another drink
The shots followed by chasers
As we wandered in and out of the different places
I felt sick and my heels made my feet hurt
But I tried to power through and make it work
Eventually I crumbled and could only sit down
So one of the guys offered me a place to stay just somewhere close to town
My judgement impaired I didn't think the idea was the worst
He insisted another drink first
Before I knew it I was in his dorm and in the dark I saw a bed
All I wanted to do was lay dow...